Running of the shoppers on Black Friday

This just in:

"We're reporting live this Black Friday from the mall, where it appears every living human within a 50-mile radius has gathered. Sources tell us the stores are being overrun in the worst stampede of people since Congress last broke for vacation.

"On this, the most commercial day of the holiday season, people hope to complete their Christmas shopping ... and survive. Let's go now to Bob, who is at an electronics store. What's happening over there, Bob?"

"Well, everything was orderly until the store unveiled a stack of remote-control helicopters a short while ago. There was a mad rush, and now husbands who were dragged here by their wives are creating chaos as they circle and strafe shoppers with the battery-operated choppers. One customer reported receiving a nasty crewcut from a passing whirlybird before it crashed into a display of digital Grumpy Cat clocks."

"Thank you for that report, Bob. And now let's go to Kevin who's at Walmart at this hour. Kevin, how's it going? ... Kevin? ... Kevin, are you there?"

"HELP ME! SAVE ME! DEAR LORD, GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!"

"We seem to be having some technical difficulty. We'll check back in with Kevin shortly. Let's go to Josh, who was last seen in the clothing section of the mall."

"Thanks! I'm still here, and you would not believe what's happening. Just a few minutes ago, I witnessed two women in a fistfight over a Vera Bradley handbag. The special was buy one, get one free, but there only was one left on display, prompting the outbreak of fisticuffs for possession of the bag and a rain check."

"That sounds horrible, Josh!"

"It was, but fortunately the bag was fumbled during the affray and I was able to recover it. So, honey, I got your Christmas present. Oh, wait, the two women have seen me, so I'm going to throw it back to you. ... Now, ladies ... ladies ... (Buzzzzzzzzzz)."

"We seem to have lost contact with Josh. Meanwhile, let's see if we can reach Kevin."

"SWEET BABY HEYSOOS! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE! LOOK OUT FOR THAT ELECTRIC BUGGY! RUN, RUN AS FAST AS YOU ... OH, MY GOODNESS, THAT'S HORRIBLE!"

"We'll see if we can contact Kevin later. Meanwhile, let's hear from Kaitlyn, who's at the hobby store."

"Things have been pretty orderly here as shoppers gather craft items for their holiday crafting. There's plenty of materials and kits available at amazing prices for those who prefer to give handcrafted items. I understand there's quite a deal on plastic beads. There are other, completed items for those who aren't very crafty."

"You say people have been orderly over your way."

"Yes, they have. And very polite, too. I saw one woman give up the last Popsicle picture frame kit with a smile and a nod to another woman, who actually told her thank you. Why, I can see them now down the woodcarving aisle, and, wait a minute ... NO! Ma'am, please put down the exacto knife! No, don't do it, don't!"

"Let's cut to Linda, who's at the food market. How are things there?"

"Folks have been stocking up on fruits, nuts, berries ..."

"Getting ready for hibernation, are they?"

"There's also been many shoppers taking advantage of the post-Thanksgiving turkey sale. Some of these are returns from Thanksgiving, such as the charred turkey that I understand was brought back after an unsuccessful attempt at deep frying it. I do understand the fire department was able to save most of the house.

"Some items are selling out quickly, apparently an indicator of what kind of Christmas season we can expect. The smoked sausage and cheese log kits are moving fast, as are the Dumb and Dumber To hot chocolate sets with the dribble mugs. Meanwhile, the fruitcake display remains untouched."

"As is to be expected, Linda. Thanks for that report. Now, one more time, let's see how Kevin's doing. Kevin, are you there?"

"Yes ... I'm here. This has been an unforgettable experience. Try as I might, I don't think I'll ever be able to forget things I've seen here this Black Friday."

"How bad is it?"

"I haven't seen anything like this since the Great Bread and Milk Riot last winter. Hundreds of people descended on the store. It was like a scene from World War Z as the crowd broke through the front doors and ran through the checkout area like a herd of migrating wildebeests on their way into the different departments.

"In the clothing department, I saw two people struggling over a Frozen sweatshirt that they stretched until the picture of Elsa looked like a yeti wearing a blue gown. There was a brief discount for camo items in sporting goods, and you'd have thought it was a casting call for Duck Dynasty."

"How were things in other departments?"

"I was in electronics, and so many people were carrying off big-screen TVs, I thought I was in Ferguson. There was a rush for the newest cellphones, people elbowing each other to get to the display for these latest models. Unfortunately, once the phones were gone, we learned they will be replaced with an even newer model next week. But the worst had to be in the Christmas department."

"What happened there, Kevin?"

"There was a special on lighted electronic Christmas trees. I saw two people in a tug-of-war for one of the larger ones. They were yanking it back and forth, desperately trying to get better grips. As they struggled over the tree, other shoppers looted their carts. There was a brawl over a 10-foot inflatable Santa, which ended tragically when Santa was punctured and deflated before a group of crying children. People were wild, flogging one another with artificial mistletoe, jousting with waist-high candy canes, and tossing stuffed camels and wise men down the aisles. Oh, the humanity."

"It sounds positively horrid."

"The police tried to intervene, but the mob turned on them. They sprayed the cops with egg nog from the food section, hurled tinsel at them and pelted them with Christmas light bulbs. And you know the commercial where Samuel L. Jackson says, 'Nothing says happy holidays like a shovel'? Well, he never saw someone clear a path through a crowd with a shovel to get to the buy one, get one free 'Peace on Earth' ornaments."

"That must have been quite an ordeal, Kevin. Glad you survived it. Next year we'll send you on a safer assignment, such as taking part in the running of the bulls at Pamplona. In the meantime, Merry Christmas, everyone, and happy shopping!"