When the going gets weird, ...

One thing about being off for a week is how much it takes to catch back up with what you've missed. At the same time, you have to pedal fast to stay even with what's happening now, and a little faster to take care of what's coming up. In other words, I've been paddling hard this week and I don't have a clue about what I'm going to write.

Nada. Nothing. Zip. Echoes can be heard in that part of my brain at the moment. I've had a couple of possible ideas, but they didn't make it, which is fortunate for you, dear readers. Fortunately, there's usually an alternative available, that sure sign that I have no idea what do to — True Stories.

Once, True Stories were those strange little items found in the back of a newspaper, between the baseball page and the used car ads. But, times changed and, thanks to the Internet, even the strangest of stories now are plastered everywhere, right along with those cat pictures and questionable quotes from Abraham Lincoln about the Internet. (My favorite is: Don't trust everything you read on the Internet. — A. Lincoln.)

Of course, even with True Stories being so readily available there still is a chance you may not have heard about some of these. And if you have, well, you're hearing about them again.

Why not the Washington Carters? Anti-tax crusader and political ferret Grover Norquist has come up with an idea for renaming the Washington (CENSORED). He wants to name the team the Washington Reagans. Yep, great idea ... Grover. (His parents must have really disliked him.) And then they could call the cheerleaders the Washington Nancies.

Who needs a gun when you have a back scratcher? You do not want to break into Patty Kearney's home at Marion Ind. According to a news report, an intruder first broke into the detached garage of her and her husband's residence. He picked up a big wrench and some duct tape, then broke into the Kearney house. The intruder first asked Don Kearney if he had a gun, to which Mr. Kearney replied he did not. Then Mrs. Kearney asked the intruder if he had a gun, and he said no. Mrs. Kearney proceeded to beat the snot out of the would-be robber with her wooden back scratcher. She picked up the wrench the suspect dropped, and beat the rest of the snot out of him. Having had enough, the intruder fled. "I don't think he expected an overweight woman on oxygen to attack him," Mrs. Kearney told reporters.

But it ended so differently in that Cinemax movie. A Gordon County, Ga., woman got a surprise when she recently returned — a naked woman vandalizing her house. Technically, the house had been trashed out, even flooded, and the homeowner found the naked intruder hiding in a closet. The au natural vandal was reported to have been acting abnormally. Really? The nude woman was arrested.

So, what do we do next Pinky? Three would-be criminal masterminds came up with a brilliant plan. Armed with a fake gun, they burst into An El Cajon, Calif., business — a gun store. I know what you're thinking, but it didn't happen. One of the crooks held an employee at gunpoint while his cohorts took a hammer to a display case and stole several pistols. They then took off. Police caught them later and recovered the purloined pistols, masks abd the fake gun. When fake guns are outlawed ...

Now that's determination. Wolfgang Zech, 72, has run the Mill Valley's annual Dipsea race 44 years in a row. He ran the 7.4 mile race again this year. Through the race, Zech thought he had heartburn with a lot of chest pain, but he kept running. All the way to the finish. It was then discovered that his heartburn was a heart attack. He was taken to an emergency room, where medical personnel were shocked to learn he'd run a race with a heart attack. Zech had a coronary artery that was 95 percent blocked, and doctors fixed it. Zech said he'll be back for the race next year.

Another criminal genius at work. According to the New York Daily News, a bank robber struck five times in one day in Manhattan and the Bronx. He entered the banks, gave tellers a not demanding money. He got nothing at the first two banks, $50 at the third, came up dry at the fourth bank, then went to the Bronx where he made a big score — $399. Police still were looking for the unlucky bandit. Who knew banks were having such a hard time?

About that ocean-front property in Arizona ... The city of Tucson is now a seaport, according to The Associated Press. Well, technically it's a dry seaport. Looking for a way to get rid of recycled paper goods, the city came up with the idea of deisgnating itself a dry seaport so it could ship containers of recycled paper by rail from Tucson to California and put them on slow boats to China ... literally. So, the next time you visit the Grand Canyon, be sure to swing by and visit the beach at the Port of Tucson.

Well, I hope you've enjoyed these True Stories. They just go to show that no matter how weird life gets, somewhere it's always a little weirder.