If I were a rich man, ... or at least a Powerball winner

What would you do with $600 million?

Probably anything you wanted, I imagine.

Once again, the country’s in the throes of lottery fever as people buy up Powerball tickets so quickly you’d think they were tickets to a Miranda Lambert vs. Beyonce mudwrestling contest. I paused at a local convenience establishment for lunch Friday and while they weren’t lined up out the door, there was a steady stream of folks buying lottery tickets.

In making a full disclosure, I, too, have tossed a couple of bucks into the pot for lottery tickets. Hey, you never know.

I’ll admit that I could have gotten a more substantial and useful return for $2, such as a half-gallon of gasoline. Or, I could have put it back with the rest of my savings to purchase an IRA. They do have $10 IRAs, don’t they? But, like millions of other people who are running up the pot, I thought I’d make my contribution, too.

According to something I read, you have a better chance of being elected president of the United States than winning the lottery. I’d rather take my chances with the lottery; at least you instantly make more friends and discover more relatives than you can shake a Powerball at.

Yes, the likelihood of winning the lottery is astronomical. You have better odds of being struck by lighting, having a meteor fall on your car, meeting Bigfoot at an Elvis convention, seeing that Miranda/Beyonce mudwrestling contest, finding an honest politician, or any combination of the above.

Actually, I sometimes think Bigfoot at an Elvis convention is more possible than finding an honest politician.

Anyway, when the lottery pot hits nine-digit amounts, folks really feel as if they can’t afford to pass up the chance, no matter how remote, that they can pick the right combination of numbers that will make them richer than deep-fried butter by Paula Deen. Hitting the lottery has become the American dream since the previous one crashed, burned and was trampled into the ground.

Who wouldn’t like a shot at becoming part of the 1 percent? The way things are going these days, winning a lottery may become the best way of moving up the financial food chain.

Of course, you really won’t get $600 million, or whatever the pot is up to by drawing time. At least not in a lump sum. Most calculations I’ve seen are that when lottery winners take their prize in a lump sum it’s usually about half. So, in that case, it would be about $300 million, give or take a couple of million.

Then, Uncle Sam and the tax piranhas get their share, which cuts it down by about half or so again. That would leave about $150 million if you win. It’s still Jed Clampett territory, so you might be able to buy a Beverly Hills mansion with a cement pond. Or whatever else you wanted.

Personally, I think I could squeeze by on $150 million. Shoot, I’d be happy with just, oh, $5 million or $10 million. A million would be all right, too, but with the cost of living these days a million doesn’t go as far as it used to. (I tell people I’m working on my second million ... because I gave up on the first.)

Still, those fantasies we all have of striking it rich are nice: Paying off all your bills, getting a new car (or two), buying a tank of gas, fixing up your home, maybe getting a new home, traveling, putting your children through college, pursuing dreams, even being a benefactor for someone else.

I’ve often said if I won the lottery I probably wouldn’t just up and quit working, but my threshold for getting ticked off would be much, much lower. But, if I won $150 million, well, I’ll just buy that bridge when I come to it.

Now, I know the old saying is that money can’t buy happiness.

True, but it can make misery a little more comfortable, and as J.R. Ewing once said, “Rich folks are always happy.”