And so it begins: My New Year wishes and hopes for 2013

The best resolution I ever made was to not make resolutions. They started out in earnest, quickly fell to the wayside and wound up being useless — like Congress.

I do have hopes and wishes for this new year, which are like resolutions but don’t require any effort, again like Congress.

In fact, my first wish for 2013 involves Congress. I wish Congress would work just four weeks a year and go on vacation the rest. Oh, wait, they already do that, except they work two weeks a year and do nothing the other 50 weeks. While the 112th Congress proved itself to be as productive and as annoying as gum stuck to your shoe, the 113th Congress already is making its predecessor look like a hyperactive child on a cocktail of Red Bull and Mountain Dew.

Another wish for 2013 is that politicians not start 2014 campaigns. We just came through a four-year election campaign, and we need a break. It would be nice if politicians could just abstain from campaigning for a few months. It also would be nice if frogs didn’t bump their butts when they jump. Seriously, it’s a little early to be thinking about the 2014 election, let alone the 2016 election, unless politicians plan to campaign in middle schools for the future youth vote.

I wish that during 2013 TLC and other cable/satellite channels would find inspiration for something besides “reality” programs. Maybe they could do actual documentaries as series instead of constantly seeking out the strange, the unusual, the bizarre ... wait, that’s C-SPAN’s coverage of Congress. I know these “reality” series are supposed to be cheaper to produce than traditional scripted shows, but how many shows about bratty toddler divas who are overweight with exotic afflictions, families the size of small nations, serving time in haunted prisons filled with dwarf redneck animal wranglers who search for treasure in abandoned storage units can we take?

I hope that in 2013 someone discovers a new Mayan calendar that unexpectedly comes to an end in 2016 so we can have another round of apocalyptic party planning, end-of-the-world festivals, History Channel specials and a sequel to John Cusack’s “2012” disaster movie.

I hope in 2013 Facebook and everyone else who changes the way things operate every time you turn around will take a break. It gets annoying when the powers that be come up with a new way of doing things even when the old way is perfectly all right and the new way has more bugs than a Louisiana bayou. For some reason, it seems all these companies have adopted a new motto: “If it ain’t broke, break it.”

I wish in 2013 that any anti-social, psychotic, delusional nutcases with an urge to go out with a bang start with themselves so society can avoid any more senseless tragedies. As Dennis Miller used to say when he was funny, sometimes we need to thin the heard and these folks just need to lean into the ball and take one for the team.

I hope in 2013 that we have world peace, everyone gets along with one another and we all get free Bubble-Up and rainbow stew. Oh, wait, that’s an answer for the Miss America Pageant. Sorry.

One of my hopes for 2013 is that those commercials for toilet tissue and assorted other personal products do not take the next step to demonstrate their use. Through the years, the commercials slowly have evolved from “Please don’t squeeze the Charmin” to bears with toilet paper stuck on their behinds and women saying it’s time to talk about what happens in the bathroom. We know what happens in the bathroom, and we don’t need to have a conversation about it.

I wish that in 2013 we stop “having conversations” about everything. That’s one of those terms that make me flinch. Instead of a conversation being among a couple or so people, everything’s become a public conversation, we’re constantly asked to join the conversation, every form of media encourages people to get in on the conversation, Congress is constantly involved in conversations, nations are having conversations — or not having conversations, which sometimes leads to trouble — and there hasn’t been this much conversation going on since the Tower of Babel. Overall, the effect’s about the same. Does everyone really need to toss in their two cents’ worth on every topic even if they have no idea what they’re talking about? Perhaps if more people listened instead of conversing all the time things might be better.

I hope that in 2013 we don’t have to hear “fiscal cliff,” “job creator,” “double down,” “trending,” “perfect storm,” “didn’t build that,” “built that,” “sales event,” “at the end of the day,” “baby bump” and other overused buzzwords.

I also hope in 2013 that we don’t hear from or about Lindsay Lohan, anyone named Kardashian, anyone from Disney Channel making a transition from child starlet to wild child, Nikki Minaj in any capacity, “Housewives” of anywhere, the entire casts of “Jersey Shore,” “Pregnant at 16” and “Teen Moms,” Justin Bieber, Taylor Swift, Leeann Rimes and anyone’s husband, Grover “Who?” Norquist, any member of the Royal Family and Honey Boo Boo.

So, as the new year gets into gear, my biggest wish and hope is that all your wishes and hopes come true and that 2013 is a better year than 2012.