Pour me another cup, just like the other cup

(This is an excerpt from Just Another Day in Paradise.)

Most folks think ink is the lifeblood of a newspaper because, after all, you can’t print a paper without ink. But, the truth be known, for most of us in the newspaper business our true lifeblood is coffee.

That’s right; Colombia’s most popular legal export plays an important role in our getting the news to you.

In college, I learned about story construction, gathering information, editing techniques, page design. In my first reporting job, I learned the real secrets behind newspaper work from the old pros, those grizzled, rumpled, cynical, occasionally grouchy individuals who had devoted most of their lives to newspapering. And they taught me the two most important rules of journalism that they didn’t teach at East Texas State University:

First, learn where all the coffee pots are on your beat and make sure you can always find a cup.

Next, know where all the bathrooms are on your beat. If you closely adhere to the first rule, the second rule becomes tremendously important.

Everything else will fall into place if you follow those two rules. Many a reporter has developed a story over a cup of coffee. Interviews go quicker and easier when coffee’s involved. And it’s darn near impossible to write without at least two or three cups of coffee in you and another sitting within easy reach as you tap away at the keyboard.

A cup of coffee makes it easier to get through a court session, and I’m not sure I could survive a quorum court meeting without at least two paper cups of hot java. (During budget season I’ve often thought about hooking an IV machine to the coffee maker and just mainlining coffee.)

Besides, coffee improves my disposition. People tell me that until I’ve had one or two cups in the morning I tend to have a disagreeable disposition. They use words like “bear” and “grouch” and “Run!” when they see me.

There have been some studies that suggest coffee may not entirely be good for you. At the least, say researchers, people should reduce their coffee intake to avoid too much caffeine, which they contend can be harmful and unhealthy.

How much coffee is good for you may vary from person to person. There are some clues to watch for to determine if you’re getting too much coffee. You know you’re addicted to coffee if:

You sleep with your eyes open.

You can type 60 words per minute -- with your toes.

You can jump start a car without cables.

You can take a picture of yourself from 10 feet away, without using the automatic timer.

You don’t sweat, you percolate.

People get dizzy just watching you.

Your coffee mug has a picture of your coffee mug on it.

You can channel surf faster without the remote control.

The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.

You short out motion detectors.

You help your dog chase its tail.

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an IV hookup.

You answer the door before people knock.

You chew other people’s fingernails.

You keep a pinch of Folgers between your cheek and gum.

You jog 20 miles on a treadmill before realizing it’s not plugged in.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You don’t even wait for the water to boil any more.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You receive personally signed thank you notes from Juan Valdez.

You haven’t blinked since the last solar eclipse.

You can water ski without a boat.

If any of these indicators apply to you, then you just might have a coffee problem, and possibly a future in journalism.

Well, the old Timex on the wrist shows it’s time for another coffee break and, with what’s left to do today, and after that last phone call, I could use a cup. So if you’ll excuse me, I’ll just wheel myself over to the coffee pot.

In the meantime, help yourself to another cup, too.